To My Immature Ex Boyfriend by J.S. Cooper

To My Immature Ex-Boyfriend,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but because I’m a lady, I will keep my ’big mouth’ closed. I received your email the other day and you’ve got to be joking if you think I have any interest in meeting up with you during your visit to San Francisco. I would rather take a long walk off a short pier into an ocean of sharks. Also, the fact that you wouldn’t mind seeing my bedroom for ’old time’s sake’ makes me laugh. I don’t want to be rude but those memories aren’t ones I wish to repeat. I have better uses for five minutes of my time. You can keep the poems I wrote you, my cheerleader’s outfit, and the promise ring that you gave me. The only promise I want from you is the one that says I will never hear from your obnoxious, arrogant, weirdly-shaped head again.

Sincerely,
Birdie

P.S. No, we’re never going to repeat the night you won the homecoming football game. I have a secret to tell you. I didn’t care about football then and I still don’t.

To My Mouthy Ex-Girlfriend,
Birdie, I’m guessing that you still have repressed feelings for my big head. I don’t blame you. If I’d gotten to be with a hunk like me, I wouldn’t have gotten over it, either. I’ll be in San Francisco for a week. I bet you can fit me in for three hours and twenty minutes. That was our record, remember? Please don’t go into the ocean with any sharks. I’d hate to have to rescue you in the water again … Oh, wait … that was just an excuse to show off in a wet t-shirt, wasn’t it? I’m looking forward to seeing you. Maybe I’ll treat you to a Forty-Niners game. You know I can get VIP tickets to any game.
We both know you’ll be there. I’d hate to have to let your momma in on some of your secrets.

Your sexy ex,
Hunter Augustus Beauregard III

P.S. There are many things I’d love to repeat. I’ll call you tomorrow to tell you the first one. 🙂